I am finally here
I got here yesterday actually. just to fine that I have no way to access the internet beyond an inernet cafe. sigh! so that is where iam right now... ha.
my flight was long but good... i thought i lost my passport and was going insane... i found it in this weird pocket in my bag that i didnt even know exsisted!
couldnt really believe it when i was flying over egypt and rwanda! it was a dream come true. i got off the plane outside.. and it smelled amazing... it was dark and there were trees everywhere. and it was warm :) it is weird to think this was last night. ha
took forever to get through customs and get our bags. but we did!
this man names elisa (pron: il-sa) picked karen and i up. he embraced us with a huge smile and hug. haha we put out stuff in his car and he had this huuuuggee giraffe hanging from his rear view mirror. ha i love it.
we drove through the town... wow.. people are crazy drivers here.. i couldnt see much but i could see a million lights on the hill side and it was gorgeous. soo much to soak in!!!
we got to our house and we met maria and linda ...elisa sister and mom. and they showed us to where we would be sleeping.. i have this simple cute little room. hard floors. a dresser type thing and a bed... and awindow with bars on it. ha way to make me feel safe.
maria told me that this is now my home and that she is my mother. when i told my real mom that she said tell her i love her! it doesnt feel like home though... at all. i have been completely lonley and just homesick to a point where i can feel it. all ive really done is cry... i cant hold the tears back. just feels like ill be here forever. feels like ive been here forever and i got here last night!! all i can think about is home.. and i know its weird. this is my DREAM right?? isnt it?
7 weeks just seems like forever now that i am here... 3 weeks seems like forever.
i love it here and i love the people but all i want in my mom. it kind of scares the crap out of me the idea of me being here ... all the way over here... bwa
anways we had dinner which was a stew type thing... white rice and green beans. yay no brown beans for becca!!
i met jesse hawkes from RAP-SIDA as well and he is comtemplatnig my work with him.
i went to bed and i woke up at about 1am.. thinking it was 6am. ha.
it was soo loud there! there was a celebration going on in the streets or something for HOURS. for hours people chanted... and danced and drummed. it was beautiful and amazing.. and scary as heck.
i called me mom because i knew it was only about 5pm her time and i missed her soo much. i just dont know how i can do this.. i dont know why i am so downcast. im here right... finally? is this SO different then i expected? yah i guess so... maybe its my malaria pills... maybe its culture shock... maybe im not ready for this. blah!!! my heart hurts. crap my eyes are tearing up and im in public.. stop stop stop.
anyways. woke up this morning and took a sponge bath. yes that is what i will do. its not really a bath. its just a tiny little thing of medium sized water that we can barley stand in... a sponge and a cup to pour the water over your head. wow i even would appreciate a normal shower. i dont think ill be doing much complaining once im home. im sooooo blessed. i now this even more now then when i was in mexico. conditions here are so much worse.
im lucky... because i can leave. these people live here. and only a small amount of them will ever leave this country :(
anyways.. got ready and eat breakfast. which everyday shall be some bread and some peanut butter... and a banana. actually on sundays that is what i have for every meal of the day... because they dont cook at the house on sundays. so today. bread and peanutbutter for me...
oh by the way. fresh fresh banana's are soo much better!!
then elisa picked up linda and i for church... um finally got to see the city in the day light! its so beautiful.. in all its... hmm.. i dont even know the word.
church was soo awesome. God was there in such a rich way. there was about...500 people maybe. and i was the only white one!! hahahahaha. everyone danced during worship.. at least a little. and of course i know not a single word. it was just a HUGE group of peopel passionate for God! then i met this girl anna who came and sat next to me and translated the sermon for me. it was all about Gods promises and how he will fufill them... no matter what.
we took the buss back to remera after the sermon. weirdest thing... this guy made me hold his hand and he kept telling me he loved me. everyone said to just say it back. but i didnt. i was so confused... and kinda scared actually.
anyways. made it back and then sat aroudn for hours. which just kinda made the depression and lonelyness sink back in. i called abbey... forgetting it was like 2am for her. she didnt pick up.
finally finally finally around 2:30 the woman i am working with at the preschool came over. apparently she didnt even know until yesterday that i was coming... haha thanks for telling her glenn.
anyways. we talked. i have my kids from 8-12. no clue what to do with them for 4 hours.. how to teach them. no idea. sigh. just kinda made me cry again because i feel so helpless... and just.. useless. ugh. might be going to another school after 12 tomorrow to do some other work. but i have no idea what to do. sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh. Lord help me.
anyways. karen and i walked downtown to exchange my money for franks... found out that i have misplaced 200 dollars of my spending money. awesome right? now i have like 25 bucks for spending for the next... 7 weeks. besides transportation food and housing. i have all that covered.
now im sitting in the cafe.
feeling kinda... hopeless. i should be sooo much happier to be here right? but all i can think about is home. but then all i can think about is disapointing people... my church. everyone that supported me with money... my friends. myself. God.
ugh. anyways i should go....
ill get over it as soon as my work starts i am sure.
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I am off to Rwanda for 2 months! I am staying in a little village in Kigali,Rwanda. I will be teaching English to preschoolers, working with RAP-SIDA an organization fighting the spread of HIV and AIDS, playing with children in orphanages , as well as working with a local church! I am so excited!!! I do not know if I will actually be able to write here... who knows about internet. But we will see!!
2 comments:
Sweet Becca, ask Karen how we can wire you some more money, not a problem, just need to know how/where to send it. Don't fight against your feelings, and don't misunderstand your fear. Fear tells you to be alert and aware and very alive in the moment. How often do we get to be that alive and to live so much in the moment? The loneliness tells you that you are far away and that you need to be close to people and that it is time for you to engage with them in a vulnerable way. The culture may be different, there may be great poverty, there may be a new language, and different dress, but people are the same inside and in their hearts. I know you think that you went to Rwanda to help others, and now doubt what you will. But I learned the most powerful lesson in my life when I joined VISTA and left home at 18 to do the same thing. I soon discovered that the people I went to help, had to do things to help me. Once I "got over myself" and changed my expectations, I accepted that I was where I was, and things were as they were, very little of it as I had expected it to be. So, working through my loneliness, and my fear and my confusion, I let people help me, and I became human to them, and soon we were helping each other in profound ways that changed each others' lives in unimaginable ways, forever. Let yourself be humble, let yourself cry, and more important, let yourself laugh, and touch people in that special way that you do, the way so few people I have ever known, can do. Flowers seem to grow where you walk because you engage despite your fear, despite circumstances that make others retreat. Trust me Becca. I would not have let you go on this adventure if I did not know these things about you. So open up that heart, let it all in, let it all out. Get to know these people and let them get to know you.
In your humility, with your inner power, let yourself be that wonderful person you are. Listen to the fear but don't let it hold you back.
I love you so much, and will do anything for you.
Your loving Dad
It's so strange, I've never felt envious over someone's struggles before :). Becca, we believe in you. We don't believe in what you can do, we believe in who you are. It's kinda like relationships, you don't get with someone for what they could be, it's who they already are! Who you are amazes all of us, humbles us, brings a sense of joy to us just by hanging out. You have so much... I can't even really explain it, just this contentment about you. These feelings you are having are pure. Being scared isn't a bad thing. That vulnerable feeling is okay. When you hear about someone's trip to Africa usually all they try and explain (but can't ususally) is the feelings that they had. The vulnerable, yet beautiful, emotion that ran through them the whole time they were there. If nothing else, embrace that. Becca, We are so proud of you. I wish I could get ahold of you somehow.
This is all just so amazing. I am praying for you diligently. We support you in everything and are so glad that you have been blessed with this opportunity.
I'm sure you probably know this one... "I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
He's teaching you all of these things that he taught Paul. Paul didn't just all of a sudden know how to live content in everything. God had to show him through the emotions he had on all of his missions. BUT, you are as much of a Saint as Paul was! You are out there being the body of Christ. AND, You CAN do EVERYTHING through him who gives you strength.
Trust in him Bec and you can't go wrong. Bless you!
;),
B
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